By Evan
I went to boarding school. It was raining very hard that day. I remember because I had had an awful cold for almost a week and then the rain started and I had gotten worse. I was drying my clothes on the radiator because I had to walk in all of that rain from Turly Hall to my dormitory. It was sort of far. All the leaves were down and the rain might as well been snow except a few measly degrees. I was in sort of a mood. If it is so awfully cold there should be something pretty to make it okay, like snow or when the ice gets on your windows. But it was just lots of cold awful wet and damp. Did I mention I was feeling badly? My room mate was off to a social I think. A social meant drinking in a basement and smoking awful cheap cigarettes out in the dormitory next to mine. I didn't like that sort of thing. I went once or twice and they got drunk and chatted about girls. I don't like drinking very much and I don't like girls. I do like girls, I think they are lovely but I don't like them like they did. They brought nudie mags sometimes, the American boys would. I pretended to like the pictures I saw of girls doing awful things with no clothes on. It made me think of Alice. That is my sister.
So I was sitting there feeling miserable and cold and making faces at my books stacked at my desk when I felt someone looking at me. I know some people say that to make some sort of dramatic point but I really mean I felt someone looking at me like heat on my side. It was very strange because I was very cold and when I turned to look at what was looking at me I faced the door.
There was this chap standing there looking at me with the oddest expression. I thought he had gotten the wrong room and was surprised to see me there. But he hadn't he asked me where Jared, my room mate was. So I told him that he might be at a social. I wasn't sure. He left.
It took me a bit but I remembered who the chap was. He was a senior year and did all sorts of sports and things, I was a fresh year and had sort of just started along I had seen him but didn't know his name. When Jared got back I told him his mate had stopped by.
"That must have been Jason." Jared told me.
This Jason was looking for some people to form some foot ball teams. I liked foot ball, I wondered why he hadn't asked me? This made me a bit sad because I have a very difficult time speaking to people, I am very shy and I guess I should be honest and say I didn't have many mates at school. Actually almost none because even on one of the first days an older boy called me a swisher and hit me. I guess I should say I don't act like most boys do. I don't cuss much and I don't talk about girls and I don't discuss parts of my body for conversation. I wasn't very surprised Jason hadn't asked me to play. Not many people asked me to do anything. I shamed myself on the telephone and begged my mother to let me come home. I missed my dogs and sisters. My mother told me no.
So that very same night I went down to the common area, there was sofa and a kitchen. I went to read because Jared is no fun after he had been drinking. I was reading my assignment for class when I felt as if I was being watched again. I looked up and there was that Jason fellow again! He was standing on the staircase and just staring at me! I wondered if I had done anything to annoy him or if someone had told him I had.
He at least seemed a bit embarrassed when I noticed him and he took off. How weird!
The very next day and the very same rain drowning me to death. I left class, coughing and feeling awful and decided to wait in the hall until maybe the rain let up some. I sat huddled and cold in my damp coat, two sizes too big because my mother likes me to grow into things, and I felt that weird feeling again!
There he was again, hanging around the corridor and pretending to read some silly pamphlets on the walls. I in turn pretended not to notice him pretending. It was very awkward because it was last classes and everyone had almost gone. I was annoyed. If he had some sort of problem with me I wished he would just go on and get it over with. If he was going to hit me he should just hit me. I thought maybe he was waiting for a good moment with lots of people about. Boys are like that, they like to be very important around lots of people. I left because as much as I wanted him to be done with me I didn't really want another black eye. I am not very big now and I was even smaller then. I never was much of a street tough. I preferred to brush my sister's hair or run with my dogs.
That night when we were all eating I saw him talking with his friends, a big crowd of them, and sat as far as I could, right back up against the windows. The senior year boys always sat up by the doors but he sat two tables over from me with some of his friends and I knew he was in for me. No one sat back here but the most friendless of the lot. I even did better than by the windows most of the time. I went back to my dormitory looking over my shoulder, what did he want? I could not go to sleep because I was wondering what I had done. I did much to avoid annoying others because I seemed to when I was just breathing. I didn't think I had even spoken to him before.
Two days later and I was in the library. It was raining but my cold was getting a spot better. I was trying to get a computer to help me but it was instead driving me insane. There were rows of computers and I was sitting almost in the middle of a row. I looked over to ask the bloke next to me for a bit of help and I could not believe it. It was him! Jason was at the computer right near me. I was quite scared. This was getting ridiculous! I wanted to scream at him what do you want! He gave me this odd look and I just got up and left. Took my books and left the computer on and everything! I was so confused.
Four days later and I was walking just to walk. The rain had stopped for a moment and it wasn't too cold, not enough to hurt. I spotted him almost right away, he has sort of light hair, and he was sitting on some stairs holding a mag. When I passed him I noticed it was upside down.
A week later and the sun came out again. It's funny how the sun affects us, I was so much happier just to be a little brighter! I was sitting around my room waiting for something to happen when my room mate came in from the showers. He was in a good mood because he found that his study program had been approved and he was going to France to study for a while. As usual, he took off his towel and went about doing things before he got dressed, forget the cold and chill. I guess I should say that Jared did this quite often and I would get very distracted when he did and stare very hard at my studies. I guess I should say I didn't really know what a swisher was and didn't know why I only thought of Alice when I saw a nudie mag. My mother didn't prepare me for much.
The sun and rain went back and forth and I had almost forgotten Jason , my strange stalker, and the odd look he had given me in the library. I was going to class and I saw him standing around. Jason seemed to do a bit of that, standing around, talking and being talked to. He was very popular. I passed him wondering if all that odd stuff was over and if maybe I was just being silly when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"I need to talk to you." He said.
He was from Africa, Jared had told me, and I could hear it in his voice but I was terrified. It had finally come.
"I have class." I said.
The hall was emptying out because I took a special science class when the others finished for the week. He was going to beat the tar out of me now? I thought it was very strange! He sort of pushed me forward towards the bathroom and I got even more scared. We were in the bathroom and the lights were off because almost everyone was supposed to be gone, it was rather late.
"What do you want?" I had to ask him.
But then he just kissed me.
Well I got very cross. That was what you were supposed to be if a boy kissed you right? It wasn't right, boys kissing boys. But I sort of just stood there trying to feel as cross as I could and he just stood there looking sort of guilty.
"What did you do that for?" I demanded, I kept looking for the door. I really wanted to leave as soon as possible. I wasn't as cross as I thought I might should be.
He sort of shrugged, looking even more miserable. "I thought maybe you'd want me to."
I had barely really heard him talk before, besides that one time in my room and if he got very loud in the halls, which now that I think about it, was quite often. He was talking quietly now though. If you have never heard a South African, it's quite British but longer, I have heard it described as a drawl. It's very nice. I wondered what my name would sound like if he said it.
I started to feel very uncomfortable even though someone had left the bathroom window open a crack. He wasn't bad looking. I had always thought light hair was lovely, having brown hair myself, and his was very light. His eyes were very light as well, sort of like the sky. I wondered why I was looking at him like that.
"Don't be mad." He asked me, but he was smiling. Jason had a beautiful smile so I had to smile back at him just a little. "Can I see you later?"
"What for?" I was very suspicious.
"Maybe we could go for a walk?"
I sat in class in complete confusion, I dropped my pen at least ten times and utterly ruined my lab, I couldn't stop thinking about what had happened and what it meant!
I had to leave and stand in the hall by myself for a bit, I stood out there for so long that my teacher sent a another boy to fetch me but I told him I was ill so I could go back to my room. I lay in bed and cried for a while.
I knew I wasn't like everyone else. Just the other day I had overheard a classmate call me pretty. A friend of mine now likes to call me graceful.
I knew enough that boys weren't supposed to be pretty. I guess it was about then that I sort of knew for the first time what a swisher might be.
Besides the word anyway. I mean, I always thought they meant they were these awful strange people who abused children and sulked about in parks and things. They showed us a film in one of my classes about it and it said very plainly that it was a sickness. Boys who didn't like girls were sick.
I knew I felt something when I thought about him kissing me, and it didn't feel very sick, it felt sort of nice. Sort of like that light feeling when you get very excited about something. Maybe I wasn't a swisher then? I imagined feeling awful if I was like those chaps in the films. Like the flu maybe. Maybe this light feeling was the start of the sickness? I felt light headed sometimes when I got sick. Or maybe I was something else entirely? I thought about kissing Jason again, but imagined a girl instead. I didn't feel much of anything. I wanted to think about Jason doing it much more than some girl.
Could Jason possibly be maybe like me? It made me stop crying when I thought about it a bit more. Whatever I was, I guess I wasn't alone.
I liked walking with him, with all the leaves blowing about and the sun and all. I don't talk much and Jason didn't seem to mind, when lots of people seem to always think I have some sort of an attitude. He wasn't as loud as he was around his mates and he was a bit shy even. Imagine me trying to assure someone else! Let alone someone so much older! He kept apologizing for all sorts of things, even for how cold it was! I had trouble keeping his eyes on mine, he kept looking away, I wondered what was wrong with him. If he followed me around for so long why was he acting so funny now? I was noticing everyone who saw us walking together but no one seemed to look twice. I thought about him when I was falling asleep that night, I had barely understood him when he had mumbled his good-bye! I decided it was sort of cute. Could boys be cute? Well if I could be pretty than maybe Jason could be cute. I wondered about that.
I saw him the next day and the day after that, and then one of his mates teased him for spending so much time with the underclass men. It startled us a bit, because we had been sort of lost. Talking and laughing it was a bit easy to toss the world away. We became more careful. I felt guilty when I wasn't sure why we should. We were just talking weren't we? Well that changed.
We were sitting around my room, Jared had been off to France for a week, gone for the year and I was enjoying having my room all to myself! I had my own room at home and missed my privacy very much. Jason was laying on my bed reading his mail and I noticed we were all alone. We were alone often but always outside or at a table, were people could see us. Jason was a senior year and had a lot more freedom than I did, he didn't have to be back in his room any time soon. I was looking at him wondering how late he had to go back and then I realized what I was thinking. I am positive I was blushing, it's painfully easy to make me blush, and he must have noticed. I still remember quite vividly his face and his little infuriating smile.
"Is the door locked?"
I nodded, and sat down next to him on my bed. I had seen lots and lots of movies and read lots and lots of books and none of those fairy tale kisses came close to this one. If this was being sick I wanted to suffer the afliction forever! I could trade God for this love if this was the love I could have. It was so right, and we kissed for hours.
Not quickly and in a rush but very slowly and we would pause every now and then and just look at each other. I think I knew I was in love right then. When I was looking at him and I knew exactly what he was thinking. I wanted him to sleep there but he had to go back to his room. My pillow smelled like him. I was really quite pathetic, breathing into it and staring off into space and sighing!
I found a note under my door in the morning, he wanted to see me as soon as I was done with class. I couldn't concentrate on my lectures and I couldn't stop looking at my watch. He was in my room when I got back. My door was off at the end of the corridor next to the stairs so he could come and go without anyone seeing. We kissed and kissed and well my door got locked a lot that school term. We met in the woods, just so we could talk and not worry about anyone seeing us or suspecting us. We met in town. We met behind the old house where the minister used to live. Jason got a particular joy out of fooling around IN the house and I was sure lightening would strike us at any moment. Jason was quite popular and everyone got confused with our friendship. We almost always met in secret by then, our school was sort of unforgiving of things like that. Just that year a chap was caught with a girl in his room and he was expelled. We would have been far worse off. But it started getting much too cold to linger outside any more. The leaves went and the snow came.
Finally, at last, Christmas was here! Everyone was anxious to get home and take some much needed time away from the stress of school. Strange type of stress you get in a boys school, I don't think you find it in many other places. As strange as it may be coming from myself, women and men were sort of meant to mix, they temper each other I think.
Everyone was making great plans for home and Jason told me he wasn't going to be able to get back to Johannesburg, to see his family. If I hadn't said before, Jason isn't English. Well as you can imagine I felt awful for him, my home being not even a day away. The thought of Jason all alone for Christmas made me ill so I asked my mother very nicely if I may bring home a friend for the holiday? My house was going to be full of family and I wasn't sure if it would be all right. My mother said it would be fine. She's quite lovely that way!
She put us both in my room. I was of course very happy, but I felt a bit guilty as well. My mother would never approve if she knew we were more than just friends. I was after all, only 14 at the time and Jason was already 18! But I was already sort of tall then so it never seemed strange to us. My house is lovely at Christmas time, my mother particularly loves the holiday and decorates the house and bakes and all those things. There were so many uncles and aunts and cousins and sisters (and dogs!) and the like about that it was quite easy to be forgotten in my room, where we could be and feel safe. There isn't quite anything like a kiss by candle light when it's very cold outside, don't you think?
It was Christmas Eve when we made love for the first time.
We were laying in my bed and talking, I was very nervous. My family was still drinking and carrying on downstairs and we had both excused ourselves, yawning so everyone could see. I wonder if we were really fooing anyone. So, there we were in bed and I thought maybe Jason would hear my heart beating, I was so scared. Jason started to touch me but it was different. This was the first place where we were so absolutely safe and we both knew it I guess. I had always thought I would wait until I was married but I knew God would never see my marriage. I knew I would never stand next to Jason in a cathedral and it made me cry a little but I was willing to trade all that. I was surprised at how comfortable I was with him, how being touched and how to touch was so easy.
Jason had done this sort of thing before though, only with girls, (Neither of which I had ever met or seen but both whom I secretly held jealous hatred), and I had been wanting to touch him, I mean really touch him but wasn't sure how to go about it. I always thought I would feel strange being touched by anyone, but I trusted him and when he lay opposite of me and shocked me wonderfully by pulling down my shorts, (Jason is a bit direct) I slid down and did to him what he what he did to me. I liked doing it much more than I thought I would, it felt kind of natural, even though I worried I wasn't going about it properly, and even wished I had paid more attention to those nudie mags! They always had photos of this sort of thing.
We got onto the floor because my bed is rather old and it was making all sorts of creaking noises. When we finally were ready to do it, he asked me if I was sure and I said yes. We had piled all my blankets and pillows between the bed and the outside wall under the window. There was room for us and it was soft and hidden and warm. We were facing each other and Jason covered my mouth with his hand when I cried. It hurt very much but I didn't want him to stop I wanted to be as close as I could to him, and it didn't hurt after a while, it felt like nothing I ever even imagined before. I told him I loved him and he told me he felt the same. We held each other and carried on all night and fell asleep like that, Jason on top of me. I could barely breathe but it was wonderful! In the morning, Chia, my dog, was pawing at the door and crying. I remember laughing into Jason's shoulder because poor Chia must have heard everything! She never has liked Jason much since.
My sister Alice, made a grand show of asking us why we were so tired the next day! She and I are very close and she, of course, knew everything about Jason and I. She had put naughty things in mine and Jason's Christmas stockings. Jason of course took to her right away. Sisters are supposed to awful to their younger brothers I suppose.
At the end of the school year, Jason graduated. I was still an underclass man and I had another three years. Three years without him. I thought I was going to die without him, and when he left for Africa, we both cried. School wasn't the same that year, I barely spoke to anyone. Jason paid outrageous phone bills to talk to me all night, sometimes I was begging him not to cry, the other half he was begging me. (It was one of these teary phone calls in which Jason confessed that he actually did have a ticket home for that Christmas but he wanted to stay with me!) We were very tragic the way we carried on! You would have thought the world was at an end, and I guess it really did feel that way. Romeo and Romeo as it were. I confessed everything to my mother when I was too miserable to ignore any more. She wasn't very surprised but was very put out that I hadn't trusted her with the news sooner! Jason wasn't gone from my life however, he visited me often and very chance he got from his own school. We spent summers together and took our holidays at each others schools if the dates didn't match. I wrote him almost every week and he called almost every other day. His father calls me son. My mother talks to Jason more often on the phone than I do. The dogs never quite took to him though.
I am 19 now and Jason and I live in Florida, where he currently goes to school in the states. I moved here after I finally graduated from our school. I got off the plane in New York and he was waiting for me outside of customs (they had raided my things, I guess I look as if I would smuggle drugs and weapons!) and I kissed and hugged him not caring about all the stares we got! We couldn't stop smiling and laughing, this wasn't a visit! I was staying for good! We whispered and kissed at the baggage claim and lost enough control in the taxicab to our hotel that the driver cleared his throat!
We are learning how to live with one another without the threat of a return home ticket hanging about. He surfed in South Africa but has gotten to become quite the American surfer in the past few years. He has let his blonde hair get long, and gotten some tattoos and a guitar. His accent is still very much there but he says things like "Yeah man." or "No way!" and plays very moody pink floyd music. It's quite cute. My Americanized South African!
Jason never made much of a rulebook school boy when I stop to think.
I, on the other hand, like to run each morning and listen to music written AFTER Woodstock! But he still smiles at me like he did when the leaves were falling in an England autumn, it still feels like a gift when I get to fall asleep in the same bed as him. I plan on not letting him take off like that again!
The End
* I do hope this little personal history wasn't too awfully boring! =(
by Ebu-chan
*Mink Note*
(All authors and dude's names have been changed as to not annoy moody blonde south African's who aren't really named Jason.)